Sweet Surrender

             So many emotions are running through me. You name it and I'm feeling it, all at once. I have not been able to clearly articulate what I have been feeling, because I didn't know myself. Today changed all that. I got up early today to meet some women from our church to pray. I couldn't pray. Not that I didn't want to, but that Jesus didn't want me to. Why? Well at first I thought it was because I had a "to do list" running through my head and my whole heart was not in it like it should have been, so I sat there asking the Lord to forgive me and waiting to feel Him and I didn't. He felt far away, I felt as if I was on one corner of the room and He was on the other, we were both staring at each other and I desperately needed Him to come to me and He wouldn't. I left the prayer time confused, hurt, guilty, stressed about my to do list, and just more emotional. When I got home I read my bible some, but ran out of time to truly be alone with Jesus because we had our last home study appointment. After she left hubby felt encouraged and even more excited to get our son home, I lost it, I couldn't stop crying. Not because of anything that happened at our home study, but because I broke. I couldn't take it anymore, I literally cried out to God and asked Him why I felt He was ignoring me. Hubby prayed with me and helped me to talk it all out. (as much as I could make sense of it) Now I know that the Lord never ever leaves us, but we leave Him.  I felt this wedge between me and my Savior, a wedge that I put there and didn't even know why. My hubby said something that gave me clearity, he said "Jesus is talking to you, what are you scared that He is going to say to  you that is making you not want to listen." And then it hit me. I am scared He is going to take away our son in Ethiopia just like He did with our other three babies. I am well aware that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. I felt that pain first hand. I say I want the Lord's will in my life even if i get hurt, but was this the last straw? If He was to take this child away from us was I going to say "That's it Lord, I'm done, can't do it anymore?" Absolutly not! Says my mouth, but obviously my heart was thinking it.

             I guess with all this adoption and me longing for a child I have really tried hard to guard myself and not make this an idol. Not allowing the fact that I really want another child to consume me in such a way that I feel like once we have him I feel complete. I didn't want my pain from losing three babies and putting my hope in the Lord, to turn to putting my hope in this child.I wanted to make sure that I was doing this for the right reasons.(which we are) I know we are meant to adopt, I know God all ready knows who our son is, and I know that right now our lives are on path with His will. I also know that me going through all these emotions (good and bad) and me crying out for my Savior is building my relationship with Him. Isn't that all I really want anyway. To truly know Him!?!

        Believe it our not I am very thankful to have gone through those three miscarriage. I got to rely on the Lord in a way that I never did before, I also got to experience Him in a way I never had before. He comforted me, gave me peace, and even joy in the midst of all that pain. I felt like a little girl curled up her daddy's arms. Today I longed for that and when I allowed myself to stop focusing on myself, He was right there waiting to holding me.

       Here is a verse that we all know, but read it, really read it. Allow it to sink in and tell me if this is how you really feel, because it should be.
Paul says in Philippians 3:7-11 "What I have gain I had, I counted as a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I main gain Christ and be found in Him."... In verse 10-11.. "that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE I may attain the resurrection from the dead." 

        To trust Jesus is to know Him, in a personal relationship. Do we really want to suffer so we can know Him, do we really want to say "take whatever you wish, as long as I have you it's enough." I don't just mean material things, I also mean people dear to us. Is Jesus really enough? Is He really all we need? YES, YES, OH YES!!! 

"Teach me your way , O Lord 

That I may walk in truth;

unite my heart to fear your name.

I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart,

and I will glorify your name forever."

Psalm 86:11-12

I said that I wanted you all to share in our journey wether good, bad, or just not making sense. (you can put this under whatever category you wish :)...) In a way I am pregnant waiting for our son to come home, Those same emotions, fears, excitement, and longing are all very present with adopting as well.

I can never praise God enough for His faithfulness. How easy we turn away and how quick He is there to show His grace. I am so unworthy to have any of His love, but I am His daughter and Oh How He loves me!!!