When Jon and I first got married I asked him if he would ever consider adoption. He said yes and didn't care what race. I wanted to be a mom so bad and I wanted to make sure that he wouldn't care if I didn't have them. We never really talked about it again.
We have known so many people that have adopted, we have always supported them, but never felt led ourselves. I actually had it on my heart to be a foster mom and if I was called to adopt through that then I would. My grandma was a foster mother and so was my sister. I believe to my core that if we could share the love of Christ with the kids that were put in our home, no matter how long they were here, then it would remain with them forever. Hubby agreed, but the Lord never gave us the green light to move forward.
Over a year and a half ago, hubby had it on his heart to add to our family. So we started to try. During that time, two of our good friends put in applications to adopt. We had them over for dinner one night and they were jokingly saying "Now it's your turn." We both loved adoption, I felt like God was telling me that He would be leading our family to this, but My hubby felt like God was leading us to something different. So we prayed about it and decided that now was not the time and we would just support our friends through prayer and whatever else we could.
When I finally got pregnant we were so happy, but I lost the baby a week later. I ended up getting pregnant again right away. I was scared. I thought it was to soon and I didn't want to have another miscarriage. God kept telling me this time was going to be different. Boy, was He right! I started bleeding around 7 weeks. I just knew... The doctors kept doing ultrasounds and the baby was fine and even growing. They kept telling me that even though I was bleeding it would be fine. I was trying to trust, but I just knew. At 10 weeks on a Monday I went in for an ultrasound and the baby had died. They wanted to do a DandC but I couldn't. Not that I think it's wrong, I just didn't want to have surgery. I went home and just cried. Then all of a sudden the pain came and I had the baby at home. I want to make this very clear for those that are for abortion. This was not some cells or whatever you want to call it. This was a baby. A smaller version then what most people deliver, but he has a face, hands, nail, eyes, heart, legs, everything. .... We went back to the doctors and as soon as we got to the parking lot I started to Hemorrage. It got so bad that I had to be rushed to the hospital to have the surgery that I never wanted. The nurse was there and she started crying over me as I was laying there and she began to pray and pray. I feel to this day that she must have been an angel ( even though by doing that, it scared my hubby) I never saw her again.
I remember waking up from the surgery and I said to another nurse who was there that I was blessed because I had two babies in heaven. She looked at me like I was crazy and I just kind of went numb. The next couple of days after all this happened was really hard. I wanted to mourn, but wouldn't allow myself. I kept feeling that Jesus is enough and if I believed that then I wouldn't let it destroy me. The Lord gave me a verse that to this day is one of my favorites. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2Corinthians 12:9-10 He also told me that it was okay to mourn and that He wanted me to and that He would be right there with me mourning as well. With all my pain, and broken heart I still felt peace from the Lord. I needed Jesus, He was the only one that could bring me the peace and comfort that I needed. So I laid in bed for two days crying off and on and reading the bible and praying, praying and praying. I would also like to point out that I never had to share this burden alone. My hubby was perfect and we also had amazing people who took great care of us and prayed for us. We felt them and we needed them.
We buried our little one ( we believe he was a boy) in our yard and planted a butterfly garden.Our kids didn't know that our baby was buried there, but they knew it was in memory of our baby who is now with Jesus.
The hospital wanted us to "turn him in" so they could try to see what went wrong. But that was my child, we could not do that, plus we didn't need to know what went wrong. We know that if God wanted us to raise that little baby here on earth then we would have.
I ended up getting pregnant again. I know what you must be thinking,.trust me, we were thinking it as well. We were actually preventing that from happening. The doctors said that it still can happen anyway because your hormones are all messed up and highly fertile. Wish they would have told us that sooner. We didn't tell anybody and we lost that baby as well. We were probably about 6 weeks. Doctors said that we never would have known if we wouldn't have gone to the doctors. Still, it killed me. I was so angry that this kept happening, I couldn't understand why I had four babies, yet I couldn't have anymore. I couldn't understand why God would put something so strongly on our hearts and not give it to us. I cried out to the Lord and begged Him not to let me go through his anymore. I begged Him to help me trust in His promises and His will for my life. Crazy thing was, is that I did trust Him and I knew that He had something so much bigger then we ever thought.
|This is when hubby was making the butterfly garden.|
|This is it now. The Lord has blessed it. We kill everything.|
Since people say not to go long on blogs, I will write more later.......To be continued.........