Monday, November 29, 2010

But I can't....

Tonight I got to meet with some pretty fabulous ladies. We were all sharing how our childhoods were and what is the one thing that we struggled with back then that we still do today. Since I have tons of issues, I managed to narrow it down to one :D

I have a very low self esteem. I constantly put others above my self. Though that can be a good thing, mine would be more like a self destructive thing. I never felt good enough, I never felt like I can do anything right. Always felt like I was constantly being judged in a not so good of a way. Just never loved the person that I was.

When my now hubby first started courting me, I stood him up four times. I even gave him a list of all the reasons why he should not be with me. I knew that he was a good man and I kept telling him that I was bad for him, that I could never be the person that he deserved..... Obviously we fell in love despite all that and got married.

The day that I gave my life to the Lord. I mean really and truly, everything started to change. The Lord was and is still teaching me what love really means. How to love Him, others, and even myself.

I use to leave conversations and over analyze every little thing. What did I say? How did I sound? What are they thinking about me now?

Now it's, Did I glorify Jesus with my words? With my actions?

Don't get me wrong my flesh and my spirit fight all the time, sometimes I get hurt in the process, but I come out of it learning so much.

I know.... I know... I know that whatever it is He is asking me to do I can't fail or mess it up, because it's not about me anyways.
I honestly have to say myself everyday, Lord I can't do (fill in the blank) but you can. Help me Father.  
Trust me you can tell on the days that I don't say this.

What a glorious Father we have that He loves us despite our sinfulness.

Father, I  want you to use all of me to further Your Kingdom at any cost, I want to know You more and more every minute of every day that when I go to bed at night, I am not the same person that I was that morning. Father help me to be so far removed from this world that when people see me, they only see You. Lord, I know that I can't do ANYTHING, but Jesus you can. Help me Lord that when your Spirit convicts me I immediately fall on my knees and repent instead of allowing the guilt, that is not even from you, take over.  Jesus help me to love you infinitely more then anyone or anything. Help my heart to be only able to sing praises for you.  It's in your glorious name that I pray. Amen!



  1. Melissa, you don't know how much i needed to read this tonight. thank you. <3

  2. Wonderful honesty here. I was up late last night with a sick family and got to thinking about a similar issue for me. It's insecurity. I'm convinced everyone else is a better mother and wife than I am and that everyone else has it all together. It's a lie from the mouth of Satan!

  3. Beautiful. Jesus shines through your honest heart.

  4. Thank you for this post Melissa! :)

  5. Though I told you earlier, I want to tell you here: You know what is really, really fun? Watching God work.... especially in people... like you!! In this brief time I have known you, I see more and more of Jesus!! I see Him in you and Jon as individuals and as a couple. And it is so fun hanging out with "Jesus".

    I begin to understand more and more why He says die to self daily, and pick up your cross and "follow Me" in order to be His disciple, because then we begin to look like Him. I love being with you...I love being with the ladies at LBC....because it's like being with Jesus :)

  6. Beautifully written, wonderfully honest and painfully familiar, Melissa.

    God bless you and Jon and your kiddos. It makes me smile to see you guys, even just to remember your family at random moments.

    God can use, will use, is using you... and Jon. He is using you in your family. He is using you at LBC. And He will continue to use you as long as you remain in love with and surrendered to Him.

    Hallelujah, King Jesus!