I have a hard time asking for and excepting help. Ask my friend Rachel she knows all about it. :D... It's not a pride thing (well, all sin really boils down to pride) it's more of a "I don't want to play that card until I really really need it" kind of thing. I would even say that with my pregnancy, "I don't want to play my pregnancy card until I really really need it".
The Lord has shown me that I also don't play the "Jesus card" until I really really need it. As if my friends willingness to help me will run out, I wonder if I treat Jesus, the King of Kings, the Lord Almighty the same way. Do I treat Jesus as if His willingness to love me, to help me, to guide me, to protect me will run out? I would like to say no, but then I wouldn't be truthful.
I have the tendency to "try" and fix my circumstances, my suffering, or whatever I may be going through myself. Then when whatever I do causes everything to get worse (which it ALWAYS does) then I throw out the Jesus card. As if He is my last resort. Is this really how I treat the creator of the world? As a last resort?
This is something that I have struggled with for years. A couple of years ago, if I was going through what I am going through now there would be no way that I would even be standing. What has changed? Well, I let go and I stopped boxing in my Savior. I stopped trying to do everything myself. I started seeking Him first. Not always, but I try. I know that I am His daughter, I know that He loves me and that will never change. I know that my circumstances DO NOT DEFINE WHO I AM! I am His.
Please don't take this as I have everything figured out and now I am perfect. Ummmm far from it. Just spend 5 minutes with me and you will agree that I am a mess, okay a huge mess. But He is not! I am not strong, but He is! I can't do any of what He has called me to do, but He can through me! I will always resort to some of my old ways, but He won't let me stay there.
When hubby and I really truly gave our lives and our marriage over to Christ over 8 years ago, I remember praying that he would be the leader in our home that I so desperately needed. I would pray for that every single day. Do you know what God would say to me? " I will take care of your hubby, let's focus on you and what YOU should be doing and/or not doing." OUCH! God had to really break me in a way that I never imagined, but desperately needed. It was and still is painful. He is still breaking me! God went above my expectations of what I thought I needed. Hubby has been talking about the Lord placing it on his heart to be a pastor somewhere overseas, but never really owned up to it. Would not really tell other people. Now hubby is really feeling the call to be a pastor and is on fire for it. Though I encourage Him and am praying for him and I will honestly follow him anywhere, the one thing I kept saying over and over again in my head (okay, maybe out loud too) was " I do not want to be a pastors wife!" If you knew me I think you would see where I was coming from. I know what I am capable of. I know that I am broken and that if I am not actively seeking God then I will mess everything up. Know what God said to me? " Then actively seek Me. Abide in Me. You can't do this, but I can."
I love how our hearts will constantly change, but He never does. When you hear the words " A child has been given to us" or " He died for our sins." You should be changed. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. You should not be numb to those words, you should not listen to someone preaching and walk out of there saying " I all ready know this story." If your heart and your life are not constantly, every minute of everyday being changed by the Gospel and the Knowledge and the Love of who Jesus is and what He did for you then you need to get on your knees and actively seek Him.
I pray that He never stops disciplining me, that He never stops giving me that tough love. I need Him, I want Him!! Do you know the reason why I love my hubby so much, it's because I see Jesus in Him. No he is not perfect, but the fact that he loves Jesus more then me and the fact that he wants nothing more then to share the Gospel with everyone he sees, makes me fall more and more in love with him. Makes me want that kind of a relationship with the Lord too. It encourages me. I love being able to talk to him about Jesus, because this life really has nothing to do with us. It's all about Jesus. If you don't know that, if you don't believe that, then you don't know Jesus.
My pastor spoke of this last night. I have had these verses circled in my bible for years. By it I have written the words "My prayer." I stopped praying that, not on purpose, I am sure something got in the way. Oh yeah, me! I want to start praying it again not just for me, but for you as well.
The God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which He has called you, what are the riches of His glorious saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power towards us who believe. Ephesians1:17-19