Monday, October 10, 2011

Hope in the dark

The last couple of weeks for us have been tough. I thought about how I would share this or if I was even going too, but the more I prayed the more God told me that I should. I have always been an open book. I absolutely love when people are vulnerable, letting their walls down for even a second, because it is then that God is truly Glorified.  And That is what I want my life to bring, Glory to the King.

A couple of weeks ago I got really sick. At first we thought it was just a cold and then when it didn't go away I started to think I could be pregnant. I didn't tell anyone, not even hubby. He didn't even think about that possibility because...well... we were using things to prevent that. After the sickness didn't go away I decided to to take a test and yep, I was pregnant.

Hubby was excited. I on the other hand was a whole mix of emotions. I knew that even though the doctors say I could still have children , I really didn't want to walk that road again of losing another child and having to go through all of that again.

We decided not to tell anyone.

A couple weeks went by and I was pretty far along from the last time I lost our other babies and so I got excited. We got excited thinking Caleb was going to be a big brother. We were joking that we could tell everyone when we got off the plane with him wearing a "Big Brother" shirt.  And then it happened. I started bleeding.

A couple of days after that, I was supervising my girls taking a shower in my bathroom and then I had this horrible pain rush over me and I just knew something was wrong. I kicked the girls out in the nicest way possible ( they had no clue) and then the baby came out. Sorry for the horrible details, but I want you to know that this was not easy. I was only about 9 weeks along so it was a tiny, tiny, little thing, but a baby none the less.

Hubby rushed home and I was just devastated. Really Lord? Again?? I didn't even ask for this and again?? Really????

As I was sitting there with my hubby holding that little baby in my hand I looked up and I could see the Lord all around me. I felt as though I was in this really dark place and then all of a sudden I could see the darkness around me and I was no longer in it. Yes, that quickly it happened. I was sad, but I was joyful and all I could say was  "thank you Jesus!" 

And then my heart grew heavy thinking of others that have gone through this and others that have been through so much unimaginable pain who don't have the Lord to walk it out with. Who can't look up from the dark place that they are in and see the light. It's scary and there is this sense of urgency that I feel to tell others about Him. Not because your life on this earth will be better, In fact it will most likely be worse, You will be met with more pain, more trials, less friends, but you will have Jesus to walk it out with you, you will have a real home, you will have real family. If only others knew, if only I would tell them, if only you would tell them, if only.......

We were at the beach today for a much needed family day and the skies were very wicked looking.  We were surrounded by dark skies, threatening to ruin our day. It was literally a circle around us.

But this is where we were, in the middle of the darkness......

Basking in the Light, running, playing, laughing. Enjoying what God has given us. It never did rain where we were. It stayed this way the whole day. The dark skies would get close, but  they would just circle us. And I was reminded again.......

                               Jesus is our Hope that brings us out of the dark.

Tell someone.... Anyone... 

Please don't feel sorry for us. That was not my intention of sharing. We have four precious babies in Heaven, five precious babies here and we get to walk out this crazy, sometimes painful life with our King by our side.... Oh how blessed we are. 

"Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this Grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces Hope and Hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts though the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."


  1. Melissa,

    We are very sorry to hear about this. Our prayers are with you.

  2. My heart breaks for you. I am going to pray that God gives you the strength that you need right now.

  3. Oh Melissa, my heart aches with yours since I've been there. But God is using every detail of your story and I think you haven't even begun to see how yet! :) Our God is greater and stronger. Thanks for being so honest and sharing. I'll be praying for you!

  4. I am so sorry to read of your new loss. I too became pregnant while waiting for our referral from Vietnam. We hadn't gotten pregnant, without help, for over a decade, and here we were, waiting on our new child and not even THINKING of getting pregnant, when it happened! He was still born at nearly 19 weeks, but had died earlier. We thought we were "safe", by then. I believe that it was God's Will and as difficult as it was, I saw the "silver lining", God's Hand at work. How I was treated in the ER, during his birth, and the days afterwards has changed OB policies in our county. Ethan's life was NOT loss in vain, but as a catalyst for change. He has helped all the tiny babies that are to be born too soon, and their families. Thank you for sharing your story. It is something that is often not shared, but others need to remember that they are NOT alone. (((HUGS)))

  5. Oh, Melissa. Just stopped by to catch up with your family. Had no idea and am so, so sorry to read this. Praying for you, sweet friend!

  6. God bless you, John and your amazing family, Melissa. Thank you for being transparent and offering hope to those who must face these trying evens in their lives. All Praise and Glory and Honor be to Jesus, our Mighty Savior, the Hope of the Ages, King of Kings, Lord of Lords and Intimate Lover of our Souls! HALLELUJAH!

  7. Having experienced loss like this, I'm so sorry. But, I'm also thankful that He has already given you the grace you need to give Him the glory and move forward as He has called you. Amazing testimony to His mercies.

  8. Oh Sweet Friend, I just saw this tonight. I'm so sorry you went through this. I personally understand the pain and disappointment and also the spiritual growth that comes through these experiences. There are no words. Know this! I love you sweet sister and I am praying for you as you walk through the fire of oppression. May you feel your loving Father's arms holding you tightly.