A couple of weeks ago I got really sick. At first we thought it was just a cold and then when it didn't go away I started to think I could be pregnant. I didn't tell anyone, not even hubby. He didn't even think about that possibility because...well... we were using things to prevent that. After the sickness didn't go away I decided to to take a test and yep, I was pregnant.
Hubby was excited. I on the other hand was a whole mix of emotions. I knew that even though the doctors say I could still have children , I really didn't want to walk that road again of losing another child and having to go through all of that again.
We decided not to tell anyone.
A couple weeks went by and I was pretty far along from the last time I lost our other babies and so I got excited. We got excited thinking Caleb was going to be a big brother. We were joking that we could tell everyone when we got off the plane with him wearing a "Big Brother" shirt. And then it happened. I started bleeding.
A couple of days after that, I was supervising my girls taking a shower in my bathroom and then I had this horrible pain rush over me and I just knew something was wrong. I kicked the girls out in the nicest way possible ( they had no clue) and then the baby came out. Sorry for the horrible details, but I want you to know that this was not easy. I was only about 9 weeks along so it was a tiny, tiny, little thing, but a baby none the less.
Hubby rushed home and I was just devastated. Really Lord? Again?? I didn't even ask for this and again?? Really????
As I was sitting there with my hubby holding that little baby in my hand I looked up and I could see the Lord all around me. I felt as though I was in this really dark place and then all of a sudden I could see the darkness around me and I was no longer in it. Yes, that quickly it happened. I was sad, but I was joyful and all I could say was "thank you Jesus!"
And then my heart grew heavy thinking of others that have gone through this and others that have been through so much unimaginable pain who don't have the Lord to walk it out with. Who can't look up from the dark place that they are in and see the light. It's scary and there is this sense of urgency that I feel to tell others about Him. Not because your life on this earth will be better, In fact it will most likely be worse, You will be met with more pain, more trials, less friends, but you will have Jesus to walk it out with you, you will have a real home, you will have real family. If only others knew, if only I would tell them, if only you would tell them, if only.......
We were at the beach today for a much needed family day and the skies were very wicked looking. We were surrounded by dark skies, threatening to ruin our day. It was literally a circle around us.
But this is where we were, in the middle of the darkness......
Basking in the Light, running, playing, laughing. Enjoying what God has given us. It never did rain where we were. It stayed this way the whole day. The dark skies would get close, but they would just circle us. And I was reminded again.......
Jesus is our Hope that brings us out of the dark.
Tell someone.... Anyone...
Please don't feel sorry for us. That was not my intention of sharing. We have four precious babies in Heaven, five precious babies here and we get to walk out this crazy, sometimes painful life with our King by our side.... Oh how blessed we are.
"Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this Grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces Hope and Hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts though the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."