Do you remember that song, Roller coaster by the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Roller Coaster of love...Ha Ha, can't seem to get that song out of my head.
This adoption has been, well......... hard. Don't get me wrong it's all completely worth it, but I feel like, especially this last month, like I have been on an emotional roller coaster and I would like to get off now. I JUST WANT MY BOY!!! Yes, I was yelling. It's funny how hard it is at this point, because I know that once I see his precious face, then I am going to feel even more anxiety to hold him, then once we see him, it's going to be even more painful leaving him there til we can come back, so I guess I am just surprised at how hard it is right now, waiting for a referral.
I love roller coasters. They are just scary enough to me that it makes it absolutely thrilling to be on one. The longer they are and the less you can see what is ahead of you, the more thrilling they are. The fun thing about roller coasters is that no matter how hard you brace your self or how hard you move your body to either side you are at the mercy of the controller. You are going to go and stop exactly when they say you are. But isn't that what makes roller coasters so fun!?! You just throw your hands in the air and go where it takes you.
At some point in this adoption process I lost my thrill (joy). All I think about all day long is my son. Even though it is good to be in constant prayer for him, I have been praying for my will and not Gods. Our sweet boy has turned into my idol. When God called us on this journey and when we strapped our selves in, we knew we would have absolutely no control over any of it. I wonder why I feel like I am entitled to control it now. "Sorry Jesus, your timing is not good enough, I know whats best.".... I sometimes picture the ride stopping and I am getting off running towards our boy with arms stretch out (in slow motion of course) and I swoop him up and take him home. And then we live happily ever after..... We all know that will not happen.
As I pray (pretty much every hour) that God would help me to wait patiently on His perfect timing. His response is always the same. "Embrace exactly where I have you."
I am thankful that He is in control, even if my actions and emotions don't seem like it. I know during this time of waiting He is making us into the parents and family that we will need to be to properly love on this sweet child. And I need this time to cling to Jesus more, to depend on only Him more, because when our little one gets here there will be many, many, many times that I will need (should be all the time) to draw my strength, grace and love from Him.
So, even though my momma heart is about to burst, I am letting go and repenting of my actions and feelings....... Well attempting to with the Lords help.......... I have to, want to, need to embrace exactly where I am at. I need to make sure that my kids see me going to the Lord before my patients runs out, so that they will do that as well. (we are experiencing this as a family after all). I need to be enjoying what little date nights and family nights we have now. I need to make sure that I am spending my time in a way that honors the Lord and not me. I need to make sure that my eyes are (every second of every day) focused on the one who is in control.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor the fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food.
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herds in the stalls,
YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD;
I WILL TAKE JOY IN THE GOD OF MY SALVATION."
Pray for me as I throw my hands in the air and allow the ride to take me where I am meant to go.
fund raiser. It ends January 15th!!