Monday, January 10, 2011

Roller Coaster.... Of Love

Do you remember that song, Roller coaster by the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Roller Coaster of love...Ha Ha, can't seem to get that song out of my head.

This adoption has been, well......... hard. Don't get me wrong it's all completely worth it, but I feel like, especially this last month, like I have been on an emotional roller coaster and I would like to get off now. I JUST WANT MY BOY!!! Yes, I was yelling. It's funny how hard it is at this point, because I know that once I see his precious face, then I am going to feel even more anxiety to hold him, then once we see him, it's going to be even more painful leaving him there til we can come back, so I guess I am just surprised at how hard it is right now,  waiting for a referral.

     I love roller coasters. They are just scary enough to me that it makes it absolutely thrilling to be on one. The longer they are and the less you can see what is ahead of you, the more thrilling they are. The fun thing about roller coasters is that no matter how hard you brace your self or how hard you move your body to either side you are at the mercy of the controller. You are going to go and stop exactly when they say you are. But isn't that what makes roller coasters so fun!?! You just throw your hands in the air and go where it takes you.

At some point in this adoption process I lost my thrill (joy). All I think about all day long is my son. Even though it is good to be in constant prayer for him, I have been praying for my will and not Gods. Our sweet boy has turned into my idol. When God called us on this journey and when we strapped our selves in, we knew we would have absolutely no control over any of it. I wonder why I feel like I am entitled  to control it now. "Sorry Jesus, your timing is not good enough, I know whats best.".... I sometimes picture the ride stopping and I am getting off  running towards our boy with arms stretch out (in slow motion of course) and I swoop him up and take him home. And then we live happily ever after.....  We all know that will not happen.

As I pray (pretty much every hour) that God would help me to wait patiently on  His perfect timing. His response is always the same. "Embrace exactly where I have you."

I am thankful that He is in control, even if my actions and emotions don't seem like it. I know during this time of waiting He is making us into the parents and family that we will need to be to properly love on this sweet child. And I need this time to cling to Jesus more, to depend on only Him more, because when our little one gets here there will be many, many, many times that I will need (should be all the time) to draw my strength, grace and love from Him.

So, even though my momma heart is about to burst, I am letting go and repenting of my actions and feelings....... Well attempting to with the Lords help.......... I have to, want to, need to embrace exactly where I am at. I need to make sure that my kids see me going to the Lord before my patients runs out, so that they will do that as well. (we are experiencing this as a family after all). I need to be enjoying what little date nights and family nights we have now. I need to make sure that I am spending my time in a way that honors the Lord and not me. I need to make sure that my eyes are (every second of every day) focused on the one who is in control.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor the fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food.
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herds in the stalls, 
Habakkuk 3:17-18

Pray for me as I throw my hands in the air and allow the ride to take me where I am meant to go.

Also don't forget to check out our 
                                                                                                             fund raiser. It ends January 15th!!


  1. Oh, that waiting stage is so HARD! Praying for you to have peace during this phase of the process. I know you probably hear it all the time and it doesn't make things a whole lot easier right now, but in the end you really will look back and see that God's timing in bringing your family together was perfect. Great to see you Saturday night--let's grab dinner soon!

  2. Melissa,
    I love reading your blog!! I loved what you said, "Embrace exactly where I have you." My mom and I have talked about that in the past... thank you Melissa for sharing your heart. :)

  3. I. ABSOLUTELY. LOVE. THIS.!!!! The illustration of a roller coaster is perfect! Thank you so much Melissa. I love being on the ride with you here at LifeBridge Church.

  4. Thanks for this timely reminder - you are certainly not the only one struggling to wait on the Lord and trust in His timing and sovereignty. I have to continually remind myself that HE is our son's Father who created him and loves him dearly.

    So good to see you at the airport the other night (love the new hair color, by the way!). Hard to believe it will ever be us coming home with our little ones, isn't it? All in His perfect timing!

  5. Haha, I JUST wrote a post last week comparing adoption to a roller coaster...great minds think alike, and I couldn't agree with you more :-)

    Much love,
    Future Mama

  6. Yep, a roller coaster pretty much sums it up...and the constant prayer to trust God who is taking you on all the ups and downs, and through the rounds of unknowns (to you...He knows EXACTLY what is coming up next) is a ride for His glory and will simultaneously work together for your good. I talked with someone else recently who was struggling with making "the child" an idol (a common temptation)...if God isn't your center, you won't be happy with or without another child...if He is your center, you can find your joy in Him, and entrusting the size and timing of your family to His perfectly wise and loving care. So while your hands are thrown up in the air for the ride, embrace Him. Praying for you friend, knowing that He is at work in and through you. To God be the glory!

  7. So so true! Someone commented on my post about being terrified that it was like being on a roller coaster where you can't see where you are headed. I told Joe, that's it!!! Adoption is like the Rockin Roller coaster!!! (which my boys tricked me into riding and didn't tell me I'd be going upside down!!!) haha

    I love your last line: "Pray for me as I throw my hands in the air and allow the ride to take me where I am meant to go."... I will. : )

    Love you.

  8. Though my heart totally relates to your roller coaster comparison...and though I totally don't love roller coasters, still I am head-over-heels in love with adoption. WHY? Because I know that with each twist and turn, each crazy hill and mind mending drop, that my Father's arms are wrapped around me-holding me and protecting me, and ultimately helping me to arrive at the destination of His perfect and pleasing will.

    Enjoy the ride Melissa.

    mama to 8
    one homemade and 7 adopted