A sweet friend asked me yesterday how my fund-raising was going and the only answer I could give her was it's staled. It's so hard to think of what to do next, it's so hard to keep asking the same people over and over again to support us, it's hard to keep putting myself out there only to get ignored, and it is a HUGE faith walk that I am obviously failing. As I shared a little bit of how I was feeling my dear (always encouraging) friend reminded me of something her and her family were reading. It was in Judges 6 and 7 the life of Gideon. I actually know that story, I know it pretty well, and now I can truly relate to it. I am Gideon. God has called me to do something (adopt) and to trust in Him to provide and like Gideon I ask for a miracle to prove that this is what He is really saying (oh how dumb I sound) And God stoops down to my level and does it! Our home study got paid for. Now (like that wasn't good enough) I am constantly thinking about what I can do to raise money, what great thing I can come up with. So as I was focusing on what I can do, the donations stopped. As my wonderful friend pointed out, God made it horribly difficult for Gideon to beat the Midinites, He took away a lot of Gideons men so that the people could give God all the glory. You would think by now I would get it through my head that I can not do this and that this is not about me!
Today as hubby and I were having lunch I was having a pity party. I kept telling him that we needed to really come up with something so people would be willing to help us and he said "let's just keep praying. We need to trust in Him and just remain faithful." It's so not fair that men don't have emotions like us women. (I'm not alone in this right ladies!?!) Anyways just as I was feeling defeated I got an email on my phone. It was a donation from someone I don't even know and I have no idea how they found my blog. Usually I can trace people down. I couldn't trace this one down. God didn't want me to and He was reminding me that He is still in charge. So you think that I would have gotten the hint that I just needed to trust, I did, for maybe 30 minutes and the pity party came back.(remember Gideon and I are so much alike :D ) Tonight as I was reading my bible and trying to give my horrible selfishness and distrust and lack of faith to the Lord I got another email. Guess what it was?, another donation with a beautiful note. (again from someone I did not know and couldn't track down) Praise God!
Since we officially decided to adopt I have been racking my brain to come up with fund- raising ideas and I kept feeling like the Lord didn't want me to do anything. No ideas were coming, I wanted to sell stuff, but He didn't. Maybe He is not having me sell tons of things (at this time) because my horrible sinfulness will take over and I would act like I did it all. I'm the one that brought the money in. When in fact God has and will do it all. It's not about me or my friends or the people I keep bugging and praying would support us, it's not even about the donations. It's about our Holy God and His calling on our lives and this child's life and how HE will bring this child home and how HE will work in peoples hearts to give or not to give and how even my lack of faith will not stop Him from doing His will in my life. Praise God!
If you haven't noticed all ready, I am a planner and seeing all the funds that need to be raised and having to make two trips to Ethiopia has left me feeling overwhelmed. But when I sit back and see what all God has done in such a short time I am truly in awe.
Oh how I long for the day that I can just sit at Jesus feet. I love being in the presence of Him,. I love worshiping Him. I hate that I constantly turn my back on Him, I hate that I so badly want to be the hands and feet of Jesus while I am on this earth and yet my selfishness comes creeping in every single time. I'm constantly realizing how depraved I am and my need for a Savior every single day.
I would like to say that I am truly, truly thankful that God has called me to this very humbling place of fund-raising. I have met some incredible people and I also get to fund-raise with some amazing friends, and like I have said many, many times, it's making me rely on Jesus and expierience Him in a way that I never have before.
And one last thought. When Gideon stopped being scared and He Finally started to trust God, the bible says he worshiped. (Judges7:15) My prayer is that with my rants and sometimes crazy thoughts that God would be glorified through it all. I know that I have blogged about this before so I am aware that this will be my constant struggle. Thankful that I am aware of it and thankful that when I do fall again (and I will) He will be right there helping me back up.
"The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness." Exodus 34:6
To God be the glory forever and ever, Amen!