I guess with all this adoption and me longing for a child I have really tried hard to guard myself and not make this an idol. Not allowing the fact that I really want another child to consume me in such a way that I feel like once we have him I feel complete. I didn't want my pain from losing three babies and putting my hope in the Lord, to turn to putting my hope in this child.I wanted to make sure that I was doing this for the right reasons.(which we are) I know we are meant to adopt, I know God all ready knows who our son is, and I know that right now our lives are on path with His will. I also know that me going through all these emotions (good and bad) and me crying out for my Savior is building my relationship with Him. Isn't that all I really want anyway. To truly know Him!?!
Believe it our not I am very thankful to have gone through those three miscarriage. I got to rely on the Lord in a way that I never did before, I also got to experience Him in a way I never had before. He comforted me, gave me peace, and even joy in the midst of all that pain. I felt like a little girl curled up her daddy's arms. Today I longed for that and when I allowed myself to stop focusing on myself, He was right there waiting to holding me.
Here is a verse that we all know, but read it, really read it. Allow it to sink in and tell me if this is how you really feel, because it should be.
Paul says in Philippians 3:7-11 "What I have gain I had, I counted as a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I main gain Christ and be found in Him."... In verse 10-11.. "that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE I may attain the resurrection from the dead."
To trust Jesus is to know Him, in a personal relationship. Do we really want to suffer so we can know Him, do we really want to say "take whatever you wish, as long as I have you it's enough." I don't just mean material things, I also mean people dear to us. Is Jesus really enough? Is He really all we need? YES, YES, OH YES!!!
"Teach me your way , O Lord
That I may walk in truth;
unite my heart to fear your name.
I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart,
and I will glorify your name forever."
I said that I wanted you all to share in our journey wether good, bad, or just not making sense. (you can put this under whatever category you wish :)...) In a way I am pregnant waiting for our son to come home, Those same emotions, fears, excitement, and longing are all very present with adopting as well.
I can never praise God enough for His faithfulness. How easy we turn away and how quick He is there to show His grace. I am so unworthy to have any of His love, but I am His daughter and Oh How He loves me!!!