I have been in a horrible funk lately. Yes, funk. That seems to be the only word to describe it. Not a depression, just a funk. It's something different then anything I have ever gone through. Normally I get in my moods, because I am not walking with God, but this time I was with Him. Yet, I couldn't seem to get out from under this funk.
Hubby and I know what God has called us to do. We have been saying for years, "Okay Lord, we are ready, let's do this!" But He kept saying "Not now."
The Lord has finally told us it is time and now I am saying that I am not ready. "No, not yet Lord, it can not possibly be time, I am not ready, I will ruin everything!."
I have been in the Word more in the past week then I have in a long time. The more I spent in the word, the deeper my funk got. The more that God would reveal Himself to me, the more I fell to the ground, repenting, crying, repenting, crying. Usually when this happens I would walk away refreshed, like a burden has been lifted. Not this time. This time I was worse, I would put on a happy face, but the Lord was doing a work inside me that frighten me, that caused me to feel Him in a new way, that caused me to not be able to stop repenting.
Normally this is great! But I was a mess. So bad, hubby would not stop praying for me, he would call just to pray, he would wake me up just to pray. He knew that God was doing something, but what? Why couldn't I get out of this funk? Why couldn't I repent and move on?
The other day God leveled me. I was done. There was no getting out of bed. I was weary and tired and I couldn't get out. I knew that I needed to be with Him, but how? I thought I all ready was.
The Lord kept giving me the verse " Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
But I was confused. I was not mourning anyone. Then I looked up the word mourning in greek. Penthus or Penthos is the word used for mourning in the bible. It means Deep sorrow of the soul, closely linked to repenting and weeping. Hmmmm well that sounded like me.
"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you, cleanse your hands you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double mined.
Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you." James 4:8-10
I was mourning myself, my sin. My sin against the One who holds it all, My sin against the One I live for. Not like before, this time it was different. I was mourning the person that I was. The person from yesterday, from an hour ago. He was showing me that the further into my walk I go, the more is required. With much Faith comes much repentance. He was revealing Himself to me and all I could do was repent.
Woe is me!
Whatever it is that is heading my way, God needed to remove a lot from me. Things that I was holding on to, things that were in the way of allowing Him to change me.Things that were in the way of bringing Him glory. And He is not done with me. Not even close.
It's all internal at this point. I don't know when God will allow it to flush out, but I do know this. When Jacob was wrestling with God, he never walked the same way again. Literally. He was never the same person.
"When I look at your Heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?
O Lord, our Lord how majestic is your name in all the earth!" Psalm 8:3-4,9