Beautifully Flawed

Have you ever seen the movie or read the book Little Women? It is one of my favorite books. "Joe March" is my Brianna. Strong willed girl who has to take the hard road just so she can figure it out on her own. Someone who doesn't know what she wants, but will do whatever it takes to find it. Someone who says the wrong things at the wrong times, but someone with a HUGE heart. I know my daughter is only 5 1/2 but I know her better then she will ever know herself. How do you ask? because she is me. That's actually a hard thing for me to say. To say that out loud makes me scared for her. Why??? because it took me 22 years to finally love myself. It took me 22 years to finally know what it felt like to truly be loved, flaws and all. It took 22 years for the Lord to finally get me on my knees and for me to lay down my life for him. No easy task.

Brianna has been acting out more then what a "normal" five year old would do. I was seriously losing my mind, praying that the Lord would guide me on how to best handle everything that she is throwing at me. Today we had a break through. She was finally ready to open up to me and she said she was really sad and angry that I lost the baby. Not mad at me or anyone, just that she really wanted  me to have a baby and couldn't understand why I had to lose it. Needless to say we both had a good cry. Wow! Such emotions from such a little girl. It was hard for me to deal with at the time. I could only imagine what was running through her mind. We talked about it with the kids and we all prayed, but it wasn't enough for her and why did I think that it should have been!?! It wasn't enough for me. I really needed comfort that only Jesus could give. So we had a great talk and prayed that the Lord would give her comfort as well. I could actually see the peace come over her. Her eyes lit up!

I was a lot like Martha, (Luke10:38-41) a women to busy to sit down and talk with Jesus, to caught up in the details, someone who wants to please, to serve, to always do the right thing. Someone who was limiting Jesus to this life. Jesus showed her that even though her priorities were good, that's not what He wanted. Martha was stubborn (John11:27-40). She finally after everything, closed her mouth and listened. I'm still working on that one:)

God has continually put me in situations where I learn a lot about myself. With homeschooling, I am not only working on their heart issues, but mine as well. (That's harder then teaching them.) God has given me children who are so hungry for His word that is causes me to be even hungrier. I'm so thankful that God loves me enough to put me in these positions, to refine me and shape me."O Lord you are our Father, we are the clay, you are the potter: we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8 I'm so thankful that He is helping me to establish good communication with my kids and Him now, because I know it's only going to get worse.
He is also causing me to be more vulnerable. To truly put myself out there good or bad. I have no idea why, but I do know that He never waste anything.

Praying that all my kids will know what it feels like to have joy.True joy is far deeper then happiness. We can feel joy in spite of our deepest troubles/issues/circumstances.Happiness is temporary, because it is based on external circumstances, but joy is everlasting because it is based on God's presence within us.

 "I will praise the Lord who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me.Becasue He is at my right hand,I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tonque rejoices;my body rest secure, becasue you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy one see decay. You have made known to me the path of life, you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. " Psalm16:7-11

A different kind of pain.

Having something given to you, then taken away hurts. Having something given to you and then taken away three times is just horribly painful. I am emotionally and physically in need of spiritual rest. I need my savior to give me His love and peace that only He can give. I need His guidance, His strength, and more importantly His grace.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith." Hebrews12:2 .It's so easy to see Jesus in the good things, but do you honestly see Him in times of trouble, times of pain, or times of heartache? I would love to say YES!, but I can't. Sometimes anger takes over and I just keep saying over and over again. WHY? Why Lord, why would you put a huge desire in our heart just to take it away? Why does my body have to fall apart when I need it to be at it's strongest? Why does this have to affect so many people and not just me? and then when that selfishness goes away I hear His voice. I can tell you so many stories of God's mighty hand working in my life. Do I have such little faith that I actually think He stopped!?! I know He is wrecking me and making me more like Him and that is all I really want anyway. We like to call it "suffering" He likes to call it "making us more like Him." This painfulness will be my stepping stones to being more like Jesus. That gives me the peace that I need. I need to truly die to self and I know that He is helping me do that.

Having three miscarriages in a row is not easy.I know that God is not done with our family. We know He will add to it. We just don't know how yet, but the Lord will guide us. (Jermiah29:11)

Lord I thank you for your active presence in my life and I'm so thankful for the way you are leading me know, into your arms. I am excited to see what God has in store for my family.



I will make every effort to take hold of this life you have given me, because it's you Lord Jesus who have taken hold of me. So may I forget what is behind, reach forward to what is ahead, and pursue as my goal the prized promised by your heavenly call (Phil13:12-14)